everyones saying my eyes are red as fuck

fuck

today, again, my boyfriend was telling me that he was going to kill himself. i was in school, in an assembly and i started freaking out because he sounded scarier then he normally did. i got up to leave and go to his house to check on him but the principal stopped me and i said i have to leave something bad is happening and he made me tell him what was up and the cops showed up and my boyfriends house and his mom had to leave work and now she hates me and i dont wanna fucking deal with this.

if he kills himself , i know there was nothing else i could do. because of course, like always, everyone doesnt take me seriously. 

i fucking warned you. 

on 9/11/01 i was in 2nd grade and my whole class heard a really loud boom from outside and stared out the window quietly for about a minute waiting for something to happen. my teacher called everyone to the back corner of the room and we stood there and this one girl jillian payne said she was scared. about 10 minutes later they made the announcement that there was a plane that crashed into towers in new york and i spent all day freaking out about if my parents were dead.  

i live in northern new jersey.

my brother died about a month ago. i dont know if i posted that on tumblr. i just thought that it was something youd like to know. but im sure you dont.

his name was thomas and he was 18 and he died of cancer. 

there was no funeral.

tomorrow i have a job interview in manhatten. 

legit.

i think i found my souldmate. 

but theres a problem;

hes the biggest douchebag in my school.

we work together.

and today there were no customers and it was just us in the front of the store.

we went to his car for like 15 minutes and got high

we came back blasted and talked about life in a pizza shop

hes the type of guy i want.

but hes too dumb.

i want to make a personal part of my blog so i have somewhere to express my hatred for everything around me. none of you care tho. but im gonna do it.

starting with this post right here.

i have a boy whos name is michael. he loves me more then fucking anything. all he wants is to do good in school and make me happy and get a family and a house and live in new hampshire.

i thought i wanted that but i dont think im that type of person. i love him. but we are different. he doesnt get that. i want to live in nyc alone (maybe with a roomate) and smoke weed and go to work and eventually find a guy who is successful but likes smoking weed.

weed is important to me and i dont know why

michael doesnt smoke weed so that sucks. ive had to quit for a bit though because i have an interview to become an engineers technician for aecom. aecom is like the biggest fucking company in the world and michael doesnt want me doing it because he wants to be an engineer and he said that “hes not the type of guy to go out with an engineer” WELL FUCK YOU I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

i didnt realize that i knew the company until i saw the logo.

i didnt do good in school. if i go traditional and go to college and fight for a job i really want, it will not work. i will be homeless. i only have this interview (i pretty much already have the job) because both my parents are engineers and they set me up. he thinks theyre brainwashing me but we all know that if i dont do this, im never going to do anything.

im just lucky.

i want to be a mixture of max from 2 broke girls and liz lemon from 30 rock.